Having a baby is normally an exciting and joyful time for a couple, so it might be surprising to find that the first year after baby is also a time of more conflict between partners. In fact, a whopping 92% of parents report increased disagreements during this time - and this was BEFORE the current virus crisis!
Elly continues her book blog tour for her new edition of Becoming Us with a interview all about guilt. Read Jessica Cowling’s latest article where she asks Elly SIX very important questions about new parent guilt.
With the kind permission of Jessica, Elly is posting it here too!
You’re a few months (or years!) into parenthood and life has changed. Big time. But as your partner calls to let you know he’s meeting his mates for their regular Friday Night Drinks (because he’s “worked hard all week”), you realise things haven’t changed nearly as much for him as they have for you and you can’t help but want to scratch his eyes out. How do you cope with your partner still having an active social life when you’re stuck at home with bub? Should he give it up? Cut back? Or should you just call the babysitter and join him?
He wants it - you don’t, or maybe it’s the other way around? Let’s face it, either way, your sex life is likely to suffer when you’ve had a baby – and there are good reasons why. You might not be surprised (and maybe even relieved!) that around 80% of new mothers lose their mojo after they’ve had a baby.
Our full 2 day live Becoming Us professional training had been a long time in gestation. So I guess it was right that the first time it was delivered was via Peach Tree Perinatal Wellness in Brisbane, where I was born.
Professionals commonly call it the "transition into parenthood", which makes it sound like you gently stroll into it, but for parents many days can feel more like "Survivor" than a walk in the park!
And "transition" is misleading. Relationship Counsellor, Parenthood Researcher (and mother of three) Elly Taylor discovered that parents go through multiple transitions - and that some are more challenging than others. She created 8 steps to guide parents through them. Find out more below.
It’s been a month or so since you had your baby and things have started to settle down. You’re getting into a sort-of routine, the visitors have dried up and bub excelled at their last health check. Now it’s time for another important check-up: how’s your relationship doing?
This may come as a shock, but according to research, 67% of couples report declined relationship satisfaction in their baby’s first few years. So if you’re starting to sense this in your own relationship – don’t panic! You’re normal and you’re not alone! It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, your partner or your partnership - you have probably both been doing an extra great job of giving your precious newborn all your love, attention, and energy. Now you can relax and start to send some of it your partner’s way again.
So when the washing pile is low enough for you to both to peer over it, you might want to check in and see how your partner is doing. They might be missing you - and how things were between you. Some dads can feel a bit excluded through pregnancy, birth and early parenting. I remember one new dad saying this:
Chances are, when you have time to actually stop and reflect, you’ve been missing your partner too. So now’s the time to turn it around and for you both to re-connect as a couple at the same time you’re both bonding with your baby.
To take that first step back to each other, when you have a quiet time, initiate an open conversation. Acknowledge how things have been for you, and ask your partner how they’re doing. From there, make it a priority for the health of your relationship to spend time together, even just for a few minutes, to catch up with each other.
Just as your baby is doing, you’re both going through some big changes and adjustments - most of them occurring on the inside. Let your partner in and let them know you want to know what’s happening inside them too. Here’s a great resource for you both to read as a starting point.
Then it’s the little things that can make a big difference.
Easy to forget in the blur of sleep deprivation, but a simple “please” and “thankyou” shows your appreciation for each other. Apologising if you say something hurtful mends harm. A hug morning and night lovingly bookends each day. Texting or emailing fond thoughts to each other in between means you can stay connected even if your days are now so different.
Sharing a foot rub or taking a walk together in the evenings are a great way to celebrate your relationship – after all, that’s what created your beautiful bub in the first place.
And, over time, they will thank you for it.
