Having a baby is normally an exciting and joyful time for a couple, so it might be surprising to find that the first year after baby is also a time of more conflict between partners. In fact, a whopping 92% of parents report increased disagreements during this time - and this was BEFORE the current virus crisis!
This figure is perhaps not so surprising when you think of the reasons why. New parents are sleep deprived, stressed and emotionally exhausted (and we’re talking about dads too!). There’s steep learning curves and new roles to adjust to that mean we can often be preoccupied, impatient or forgetful. There may be less time to talk things through and fewer opportunities to relieve stress. All these factors can combine to create a perfect storm where fuses are short and tempers flare.
Not surprisingly, parental conflict has a negative effect on children. Babies tend to be more fussy and harder to settle when tension is in the air. Toddlers and young children will also react, some even ‘acting out’ with negative behavior to take their parents’ focus off each other. For these reasons, it’s important to be aware of the ways you both manage conflict and perhaps adopt some new attitudes and skills for a more family-friendly style.
First, be reassured that if you’re arguing more, you are not abnormal and you are not alone. Increased conflict doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with either of you or your relationship; it’s natural for any period of relationship transition and especially during stressful times, so don’t panic, don’t blame yourself - and don’t blame your partner either.
Be a learner and allow your partner to be a learner too. Take the pressure off, expect to make mistakes, laugh about them - and forgive. Mistakes are a sign of growing, not of failure. Learn to negotiate – it’s a life long skill to pass on to your children.
Keep things in perspective. Many of the issues or situations that create disagreement between new parents are temporary. Unsettled babies, teething, dummy use, sleep routines and willful toddlers are all stages you’ll pass through as a couple - and there are many more stages to come! The earlier you can both learn to navigate your issues in a mutually supportive way, the less potential there is for conflict down the track. Focus your energy less on the issue and more on managing your responses to each other.
Be proactive and talk about things before they become a problem. When issues are left unaddressed, they’re more likely to escalate and can cause other relationship problems in the future. Don’t wait for your partner to ‘fail’ and then point it out to them. With the fuzzy-headedness of early parenting the best approach is polite and direct. The following guidelines can help:
Research shows that when discussions are started ‘softly’ they have more chance of having a good outcome, so be minful of your tone of voice. You may be tired or distracted, but your partner might take this personally and then things can escalate. Use your normal endearments such as “darling” or “honey” to soften your communication and so your partner knows it’s not about them and is open to listening.
Choose your words and focus on what you want rather than on what you don’t, as this can too easily be perceived as criticism. Use “I” language (“I would like…”) rather than “you” language (“you never/should/have to/always…) which invites defensiveness.
Most arguments are fuelled by misunderstandings, so clear them up as you go. If your partner says something you don’t like, check their meaning with “are you saying…?” or “do you mean…?” before you react and move on.
These strategies might feel awkward at first, but a few weeks of practice (that’s all it takes) can avoid YEARS of unpleasantness and you’ll soon appreciate all the benefits. So will your little one.
For more ways to manage baby-friendly conflicts see Becoming Us, The Couple’s Guide to Parenthood.