The global pandemic is impacting on relationships and families in many ways. Tragically, this includes increased incidences of domestic abuse. It’s a sad fact that following the lockdowns imposed as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak there’s been a 75% increase of googling the term “domestic violence” and helplines across several countries are reporting an increase in calls of around 25%. Some of those reports were from long term victims of domestic violence - and if you believe you or your children are at risk as you’re reading this, you should seek immediate support from the police or domestic abuse support services in your region.
Equally worrying were calls from women and some men in long term relationships who had never previously reported such behaviour. It might be possible that some of these incidents are a one-off in an otherwise healthy partnership. It’s also possible that they’re the first obvious sign of an unhealthy one.
How do you know if what you’re experiencing is an isolated incident under incredibly difficult circumstances, or the beginning of something more serious?
No matter how or when it rears it’s ugly head, intimate partner abuse is a complex issue. Regardless, there is one thing to be aware of before you read on: abusive attitudes and actions cannot be excused or explained away or blamed on anything or anyone else - responsibility for abuse lies solely and entirely with the person who is being abusive.
Recognising some of the factors that may raise the risks for abuse during this time, and either cause uncharacteristic behaviour in some people or others to start revealing their underlying attitudes may be the first step to getting help early.
There could be several reasons why domestic abuse is happening more now:
1. Shock and Fear. When COVID-19 first emerged, the media (social and news) was very quick to report the devastating - almost apocalyptic – prediction of the great number of people who would die from the virus. In some countries, rising death tolls are still in the news every day. Everywhere, there is uncertainty. For any person, especially for those who are already suffering with anxiety, unresolved trauma, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, ADHD, depression or another condition which affects mental health, this situation is providing many triggers. However, mental illness does not cause or excuse abuse - becoming aware of and managing triggers is the responsibility of the person experiencing them.
2. Isolation. While some people thrive living in isolation or having minimal contact with others, more extroverted or social people find this incredibly difficult and so turn to their partner or other household members to provide all the interaction they crave. This increases pressure on those closer relationships, can be exhausting for family members, and can cause feelings of frustration, irritation or depression, all of which can lead to increased tension and friction. Again, this does not excuse abuse - tension and friction is normal in relationships and can be managed in healthy ways.
3. Financial worries. Millions of people across the globe are facing financial worries on an unprecedented scale. The fear of losing your job, and being unable to meet your regular bills or even feed your family as you would normally can be an enormous stress. The ability to provide financially is often closely tied to a person’s self esteem and when self esteem plummets, so can self-respect and for some, self-control, too. None of this is a reason for abusive behaviour (like starting to control the finances for example) however, as many people with low self-esteem are not abusive.
4. Pre-existing relationship issues. When a couple are already in a fragile place in their relationship, being confined can magnify those issues and put pressure on cracks which may have been previously been papered over. With no release or opportunity to go elsewhere, small disagreements can quickly spiral into major arguments. Where a relationship is fundamentally healthy, and with support, couples can recover from this. Where an abusive attitude sits below the surface, however, disagreements can be become an excuse for abuse.
5. It was there before but you didn’t notice it. People who are abusive are driven by thought patterns that are invisible to anyone else, so it’s easy to hide the abusive attitudes that drive abusive behaviour. This crisis may be causing masks to drop and an opportunity for both partners to (safely) take a closer look at what’s behind it. There’s help for this.
6. Substance abuse. A change of routine can unsettle most people. However, when there is no work to get up for, or the children can’t go to school or their other usual activities, day and evenings, weekdays and weekends begin to blur. This can easily lead to drinking more – either to stem the boredom, or simply because you can. This can lead to several related problems as alcohol is a depressant and can magnify and escalate issues. Drinking also (as with drugs) can lead to people saying or doing things they wouldn’t normally do, putting everyone close at risk. Alcohol and drugs do not cause abuse but their use can reduce the self-control it takes to cover up the underlying thinking and behavioural patterns that are hidden underneath.
So, what can you do to work out what you’re dealing with, potentially reduce the risks for conflict in otherwise healthy relationships or prevent things from escalating in an unhealthy one while you’re gathering your knowledge and resources for help?
Know yourself and your partner. What are your major stressors and how do you tend to react to stress? What do you rely on to help you to cope? Are there other, healthier, ways to cope that you can explore now? Coping until the crisis is over and more avenues for support may be available is important for all families right now.
Reach out to those closest to you. Keep in touch with close friends and family members and let them know how you and your partner are going. Ask how they’re coping too. Regular open and honest conversations can reduce pressure and tension that could otherwise build up over time. If your partner is starting to show signs of abusiveness, now’s the time to start having honest conversations with yourself and those closest to you.
Be aware of red flags. Is there a power imbalance in the relationship? Does one partner tend to be the one to make decisions? Have more influence over the other? Have more say over what the “rules” for your relationship or home or children should be? In more traditional relationships one partner may have “domain” over some aspects of life, while the other takes the lead in others. That’s fine – as long as you both agree for things to be that way. If you’re not both comfortable with the power balance in your relationship, do something about it as early as possible – if it’s safe to do so - as an imbalance in power is an unstable foundation for a relationship. When an attitude and behaviours of entitlement first start to emerge, they may be unintentional and can be addressed through assertive communication, so speak up. Other early warning signs are disrespect, condescention, possessiveness, criticism, double-standards, self-centredness and blame (like telling you that “if you hadn’t done X, this wouldn’t be a problem”, “it’s all your fault” or “you’re too sensitive”). If these sound uncomfortably familiar, the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is for you.
Have zero tolerance. Abuse tends to escalate, so address any first instances early and immediately. In healthy relationships it’s both partners’ responsibility to teach each other how they want to be treated. Sure, these can be uncomfortable conversations to have, but they’re important. You don’t want your silence to imply consent.
Know when to reach out for professional help. Is one partner becoming controlling (eg. with the finances, parenting, chores, choice of clothes, or how time is spent)? Is someone becoming possessive or critical or putting the other person down? Are you starting to feel uncomfortable, on edge or walking on eggshells? Are you the one who’s always having to make up or keep the peace? Have you tried being assertive with your partner, but without any success, or it still leads to conflicts escalating? It’s time for more support.
Know that there’s plenty of help out there. In Australia, see the 1800RESPECT website, in the U.S. https://www.thehotline.org/ and in the UK: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/. It may be possible that with help you can have a healthy relationship that supports you all - even through times of crisis. If that’s not possible, it’s even more important to have help now.
For more check out Becoming Us, The Couple’s Guide to Parenthood.