It’s Christmas time, and if you’re a couple trying to have a baby, this may mean at least two things; you’ll be seeing more family than usual - and they might be asking you if there’s ‘any news yet?’
As others talk and reminisce about the year that’s passed and their hopes for the coming twelve months, this can be an incredibly emotional time for you and your partner. Add into the mix that the whole festive period is centred around one of the most religious and well- known pregnancies and birth in the world, you may feel that ache even more intensely. If you’re meeting new additions to the family for the first time too, you may find yourself conflicted as you swing between feelings of happiness, anger, jealously and guilt.
It’s hard to avoid the advertisements or TV shows and movies showing happy babies playing and families gathering together in huddles of supreme fulfilment. This can often heighten feelings of pain, failure and loss.
Most couples expect to get pregnant easily, but statistics from Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in the U.S. show that at least 10% of couples will have difficulty conceiving. So be kind to yourself and each other, take time out and practice a little self-care (and self- protection), both as individuals and as a couple.
Here’s how:
1. Allow yourself to express your emotions. Your emotions are valid and if you feel you need to take yourself away to have time and space to grieve, go ahead and do it. If you need to do this alone or with your partner, find a time and place where you can let your feelings flow.
2. Be selective about who you visit. Some couples may avoid family gatherings completely during the festive period, others will choose to go away on holiday to avoid having to explain why they’re declining an invite. It’s your Christmas too so you’ll want to spend this special time in a way that works for you as a couple and with people who you feel comfortable with and trust to be sensitive with where you’re at.
3. Be prepared. Those who love you will naturally want to ask how you are, particularly if they are aware of your journey. Discuss with your partner in advance how much you want to reveal, if anything, and be sure to respect each other in relation to this.
4. Try to create your own traditions. Making your own traditions that are fun and memorable for you as a couple may help with future Christmases during this uncertain time. You can look forward to shared happy memories of Christmas in the future, rather than only seeing Christmas as a sad or empty time of year. Maybe do something adventurous that you couldn’t do with a baby.
5. Be there for each other. The grief of infertility can catch you completely off guard, even when you think you’ve managed it. Check in with your partner to see how they are coping too and if you see they’re acting in a harmful or unsafe way, for example drinking excessively, being reckless or they’re having harmful thoughts, reach out to them with your support. Don’t be afraid to reach out to support agencies and forums too. Support systems are important at any time of year, and especially now. Create one that works for you. It could be as simple as debriefing with good friends the following day.
6. Plan ahead for next year. Using the festive time to face forward and make plans for the coming year that don’t involve getting pregnant can help you both have a healthy distraction, an outlet and some things to look forward to. Whether it’s a holiday, a house move or even joining a salsa class together, working towards a common goal is a good way to help balance out the hard times you may continue to face in the coming year.
Remember, for every ten couples trying for a baby right now, one couple may be struggling. You are not alone. No matter what next year holds for you and your partner, as a couple your relationship journey will continue to evolve and grow, and that’s something important to nurture too.
