Most couples with children are in their relationship for the long haul. And just like anything else you rely on for your happiness and wellbeing, if you want your partnership to go the distance, you need to take time to look at it, look after it, maintain it, protect it - and at times even repair it.
Relationship maintenance is like keeping a car in great working order. There’s no better feeling than having things hum along nicely as you’re holding hands and heading to the horizon together. So, using that analogy, we’ve taken the basic requirements a vehicle needs to stay roadworthy and applied it to a relationship.
Why not start off the new year with giving your partnership a once over? Here’s ways you can examine your relationship for any damage and the repair needed to keep it in tip-top condition.
Battery
Does your relationship feel a bit, well…flat? Is the battery less flat and more, ummm…dead?
It’s normal for relationships to be stuck in a rut at times, particularly when you have children. Kids love predictability and routine, but this way of life can get a bit boring at times for their parents. Noticing if your relationship revolves solely around your kids’ needs is the first step to changing things. Wonder about what you and your partner might need too!
Recharging your relationship is easy and fun. Try something new together, or just break the cycle of ‘Groundhog Day’ by mixing things up. Do your weekends feel the same every time they come around? Why not dedicate one weekend a month to trying something different, even if it’s only for an hour or so. Take turns to suggest things you think you or your partner might enjoy. The conversations might be eye-opening. Planning for it is half the fun. And just the anticipation can be exciting!
Electrical wiring
Is there a lack (or complete absence) of sparks flying lately?
Intimacy is an important part of all relationships, and that doesn’t necessarily mean sex, although that plays a part! Do you remember when your relationship was new, and you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? Or was your beginning more of a slow burn? That first stage in your relationship may have been a long time ago and it’s normal for romance and lust to decrease as your partnership moves forward – especially once children come along. And yet, us humans are wired to need, and crave, human connection. Feeling loved is fundamental to our sense of wellbeing and we all want to be most loved by our intimate partner.
Do you take time to cuddle, kiss, hold hands and be hands-on with your partner? If not, what’s stopping you? Is it lack of time? Fatigue? Unspoken resentments clogging up your connection? You may need to jump-start some open and honest conversations to clear the air. From there, try to touch your partner more each day. Reach out to them. You may be surprised at how much you benefit from it too. And kids just love seeing their parents share their love!
Driver's view of the road
Can you see where your relationship is heading?
When you’re in a relationship, it’s all too easy to become so busy with the ‘now’ that the future doesn’t get the attention perhaps it should. Sure, there’s planning holidays, weddings and babies and they’re great topics to think about. But what we mean more is how things in the ‘now’ may affect your relationship in the future. It’s easy to ignore the rattles or the leaks, but they’ll still be there, and possibly get bigger over time. If you have a concern about your relationship, it might be worth wondering about the future and how important that concern will be then. Addressing and discussing issues as they arise is better than ignoring them, letting them fester and feeling resentment, anger and disappointment long down the road.
Steering
Are you both fighting for control?
During times of stress, it’s common for couples to get into a power struggle. But arguing over the steering wheel of your relationship all the time is dangerous driving and can lead to disaster.
You and your partner have different strengths you each bring to your relationship. Unique backgrounds and beliefs and ideas and experiences which widen your family’s horizons. Exploring, combining and celebrating your strengths as both individuals and as a couple makes your family’s journey together easier and more enjoyable. Harness your strengths and let your partner shine with theirs. For example, is one of you a whizz with managing finances? Does one of you have a passion for cooking? Who loves planning the holidays? What skills can each of you teach your child? Work with the talents you have and when you face areas neither of you like or want to tackle you’ll at least be ahead with a broader view of how each of you are already contributing.
At the times when you can’t find agreement, you could take turns to lead the way. This works especially well at times when one partner is extra stressed, taking on extra responsibility somewhere or someone in the family is unwell. You could even swap tasks for a time. This way you each get an appreciation of the contribution your partner normally makes.
Learning to accept each other’s point of view as valid (even if you don’t understand or agree with it), brainstorming options, finding middle ground, working together to navigate towards solutions and divvying up the boring bits that nobody wants fairly is what keeps a long-term relationship on track.
Suspension
Does the road feel bumpy for you right now?
Despite what you may see on social media, all relationships go through ‘rough patches’. We’re human. Our partner is too. Tough times are normal and to be expected. Rough patches can bring out the worst in us and in our partner, but they’re also the times that relationships grow the most. There are ways for you and your partner to grow together and not grow apart.
As awkward and uncomfortable as it can feel at first, it’s important to be open and honest with each other. Relationships are built on trust and this requires us to be real and vulnerable, both inside ourselves and with our partner.
If you can’t communicate verbally without it dissolving into a heated argument, try typing or writing out your thoughts and feelings. This will this slow you down, allow the initial frustration or anger to settle, give you the opportunity to fully explore your feelings and truly think about what you want your partner to know. Start by telling them that you love them and want to work with them to get through this time. If communicating in any way is making things even more rocky between you, consider involving outside help from a relationship counsellor who can help you both explore your feelings and work through your issues together or individually.
Tyres and wheels
Are you going round and round in circles?
If you’re constantly arguing over the same thing, going over old ground and endlessly spinning your wheels, it can get a little tiring. Or a lot. Issues that keep coming up are usually there for one of two reasons: either there is no clear right or wrong, just two different parents points of view, both of which deserve to be aired, heard and respected, or the issue is a smoke screen. Smoke screens cover up a hidden concern underneath. Fighting about going left or right could be covering up more serious and sensitive concerns like: do you really love me, respect me, care about me? These are the issues that need to be addressed.
Making it safe to talk about what’s really going on for each of you and supporting each other to get to the root of why an issue keeps rearing its ugly head can resolve it, once and for all.
Seat belts and safety restraints
Are your safety and support mechanisms in place and reliable?
Security is important for us human beings, especially when we have little ones depending on us to care for them. Parents all need at least one support system, especially when the going gets tough. And being in a long-term relationship can be pretty intense at times! Having support outside your relationship – whether it’s a trusted family member, friend, or professional you can talk to – helps you to cope. Someone to listen, help you to hold things together or hold you when you fall apart can make all the difference.
Lights
In times of darkness, do you feel like you’re facing the future together, looking forward and navigating it as a team?
Relationships, especially long-term ones, will inevitably experience darker times. This might be through bereavement, an illness in the family, job loss, financial stress, an accident or some other type of trauma. Any shock or pressure placed on you or your partner can send you under individually and as a couple. Your ability to stand side by side, support each other and work together gives you greater strength and builds your family’s resilience to cope with the next dark time.
It’s common for partners to experience more differences during tough times, but uncontrolled conflict just makes those times even more challenging than they need to be. If you’re pulling in different directions, have some honest conversations to explore why this may be. Express your hope to be able to work together through tough times and be prepared to discuss your feelings openly. If this is hard to do for any reason, counselling can help here.
Exhaust, fuel and emissions
How healthy are your fall outs?
If one or both of you tend to churn out dirty, harmful emissions during arguments you may want to re-evaluate how you’re trying to resolve your differences. Spewing verbal attacks at each other is more likely to get you further from where you want to be. Finding a cleaner, more environmentally friendly way to communicate takes work, but it’s worth it, both in the short and long-term. One of the best ways to reduce unnecessary frustration is to make a conscious effort to listen and really hear what your partner is probably trying hard to say. Blocking your ears and being preoccupied with just waiting for them to finish so you can say your piece will add to your problems. When you find a point you both agree on, acknowledge it before moving on.
Brakes
Is it time to stop?
If you’re starting to feel as if your relationship has naturally ‘run its course’, before deciding to end it, first stop and ask yourself if you’re expecting to ‘get’ from your partner without being willing to give to them. Relationships are reciprocal. If you feel stuck in a barren landscape, make the effort to tend to your relationship as if it were a garden and see if that gets you moving forward again.
All relationships take work, but some relationships may not be worth it. It’s confronting to think about, but most people have some type of dealbreaker, limits to their endurance and it may be that you have come up against yours. If you truly believe your relationship is irreparable, then finding support for a safe, amicable way to end your partnership while at the same time protecting your children’s relationship with their other parent is a good goal. While many couples find separating a sad event, a failure and something to grieve, reflecting on why your relationship ended and working through your emotions can be healing for both of you.
If your relationship ends through infidelity, addiction or abuse, it’s especially beneficial to seek support before, during and after you make the decision to end the relationship. Endings like these can be traumatic and you won’t want to risk taking this trauma into your next one. Professionals, groups and forums can help you process your feelings, explore the new landscape of your recovery and start to heal.
Bodywork, structure and general items
Are you practicing self-care?
There may be two of you in this relationship, but to be able to give to it, you need to look after yourself first. Regularly practicing self-care benefits everyone. Spending time without your partner (and children if you have them) to enjoy a pleasure that is special to you vital for your wellbeing. It could be as simple as taking a bath or taking a walk or as luxurious as going away for a weekend, either with friends or alone. Start a new hobby or join a club, the options are endless!
Self-care is important for the body, mind and spirit. Encourage your partner to enjoy practising self-care too. You both deserve it, and your kids get the benefits too!
For more check out Becoming Us, The Couple’s Guide to Parenthood.