Christmas is a time for giving, but no-one ever said it had to cost a fortune! So, this year, why not give your loved ones these five relationship gifts. These gifts don’t break, in fact they can last a lifetime - and your partner will likely love you even more because of them:
Time
We all have it, although it may feel like we don’t have enough of it, but do you spend that time well?
As technology has advanced, we should have more time than ever to do things, but instead our days can become crammed with so much ‘stuff’, we’re lucky if we have time to flop down on the sofa at the end of the night with our partner and watch another episode of a box set.
This might be you and your partner’s idea of heaven – spending an hour snuggled down watching TV and ‘just… chillin’. But apart from this, how much quality time do you spend together doing something they enjoy more than you do? When was the last time you both went somewhere your partner wanted to go, discussed your partner’s latest hope, dreams and worries? When was the last time you just switched your phone off (yes, ‘off’, not ‘silent’) and were there, completely, for them? This is gift time.
Whether we’re out in the world, or home with kids, most people work on average 8 – 10 hours a day at least, sleep (if we’re lucky) for 8 hours, so where do those other 6 hours go? Or 35 hours if you look at it as a week? Giving just an extra hour of your time to your partner, to do what they want to do, is a wonderful way of giving and you will experience the benefits of their gratitude too!
Surprises
When you’re in a relationship, with children or not, life can become a little blah – a little bit ‘stuck in a rut’. A small (or a big!) surprise can wake up a relationship, spark enjoyment and provide unique opportunities for connection.
One study found that couples who went on adventurous dates enjoyed their time together more and had more appreciation for their partner than those who went to dinner and a movie.
Surprises don’t need to cost a thing. A handwritten note left on the table, under a pillow or slipped into a purse or wallet can be enough to lift someone for days. The note could be gushy and heartfelt, funny, witty or even downright naughty!
Pack a picnic. Even if you end up sitting in the car in the pouring rain listening to the radio while you’re eating it, it’s a beautiful memory created especially for them.
Make surprises as random as you like. You’ll soon find you have just as much fun planning and executing the surprises, and who knows, your partner may even start to do the same for you!
Attention
Ever caught yourself nodding in agreement with your partner while you’re scrolling through your phone or playing with the kids and then realise you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what they’ve just said - and they know it?
Fake listening can become a habit, and if it is for you, now’s the time to break it. When your partner talks to you it’s a way of reaching out, so we owe it to them, and to our relationship to make the effort to really listen to what they’re talking about. Even if it’s something you may not have great interest in, you may still have an opinion or idea about it. If talking together isn’t your strong point, taking the time to engage with and discuss day to day topics can help improve both of your communication when bigger or more serious topics need to be broached.
”Often we start with the day to day stuff to ‘feel our partner out’ before we go deeper. So when you’re not really listening, you may be missing out on more than you know. “
Give your partner the gift of attention by stopping what you’re doing, facing them, making eye contact and really being present for them. Often more is spoken through tone of voice, gestures and body language than what’s actually said, so pay attention to those too. Being listened to, and fully heard, is a true gift for anyone, anytime.
Affection
Just to be clear, when we’re talking about affection it doesn’t necessarily mean we’re talking about sex! Affection is about care, kindness and connection. It’s about the way you communicate with your partner verbally and/or physically to remind them of the unique relationship you share with each other.
No one else on the planet knows you like your partner. No one else has been with you through the same things, both good and challenging, as them. This person has been with you through all your ups and downs and you’ve both had to support each other through thick and thin.
Affection can bind us through the bad times even more than through the better ones.
Take time to look deeply into your partner’s eyes to remind yourself of the wonderful person you chose to be with. Us humans crave physical connection so whether you give them a kiss a little more often, or hold their hand when you’re out walking, making them feel valued and wanted can be incredibly reassuring and comforting.
Space
Although you are a couple, you are also two separate individuals. You didn’t suddenly become fused at the hip when you partnered up, although it may have felt like that for a time. But yes, your partner existed before you came along. So, even though a greater part of themselves is being your partner since, they are also themselves as well, still.
Just as you wouldn’t expect your children to spend every spare moment with you exclusively - you know it’s healthy for them to develop friendships, hobbies and interests that are interesting and exclusive to them - the same applies to your partner. Support them to explore and discover what they love to do. If this conflicts with what feels comfortable for you, or involves too much time away from your family, then discuss this with them and work through your feelings and theirs. Compromises are often needed, especially with young children to consider, but knowing your partner is having away time with your blessing and support means growth for both of you.
Time and space to do, and to be, just us, ourselves, without all the hats we have to wear most of the time, is good not only for our mental and emotional health, but for our relationship too. We have more to give away to others when our cup is full, after all.