Relationships come in all different shapes and sizes – and sizes, for some couples, includes the travelling distance between them!
Though some couples (even with families) manage to have happy, fulfilling permanent long-distance relationships, on the whole, long distance circumstances when you’re planning a family or have young children are due to commitments one or other of you have elsewhere. This could be due to shift work, work in remote locations, study, deployment, caring for elderly or ill parents or any other of the myriad of factors families live with.
So, how can you make long distance work as a couple and as a family at any time, not just during the holidays?
Communication
With the technology available today, there are a plethora of ways you can connect with your partner at any time of the year, and chances are you’re already using services such as Skype and WhatsApp and/or Facebook. But have you thought about investigating platforms like Pinterest or Instagram where you can enjoy building and sharing inspiration, ideas and thoughts about things to do, things to see in the future? Pinterest is great for this, as you can have different boards for different topics.
Want to discuss how to decorate the bedroom next year? Places you want to go on holiday? Which meals have been your favourite this year? Collecting visual ideas and discussing them makes you connect and feel like a team working towards something you’ll both benefit from together in the future.
It’s a team effort
You are both in this long-distance relationship. Your partner is just as far away from you, as you are from them. It’s easy to feel resentful if they are working away, and you are the one left ‘holding the baby’ or, vice versa.
There will be times when one or both of you will feel vulnerable, unsupported and even neglected, that’s normal under these circumstances, so managing this by planning and sharing and appreciating what each of you are doing to contribute to making this work is important.
Long distance date nights are possible!
Speak to anyone who has been in a long distance relationship and you’ll discover just how inventive it’s possible to be at having a date night! In the advent of Netflix and other streaming sites, you can now watch your favourite films and box sets together or enjoy some great online competitive gaming!
If that’s not your thing, what about choosing a meal and both cooking it and chatting on Skype while you do. Even having a chat over a virtual cup of coffee can become a special time after the children have gone to bed or, depending on time zones, before they get up.
Never tried phone sex before but wondered about it? Now’s your chance!
Sending personal letters, cards and gifts through the post will never go out of style. Us humans love connection and holding something that your partner has also held in their hands can be comforting.
What about the Children?
Children can find it difficult to understand why one of their parents/caregivers isn’t home every day, and especially on special days. Keeping them involved in what the other parent is up to and in regular contact with the long distance parent is important.
Communicating regularly will help when the parent returns to visit or finally comes home permanently.
If possible, why not set up a special time where they can spend time communicating on their own with the absent parent - whether it is to enjoy a bed-time story, or just show them the latest trick or craze that is going on in their lives?
Tiny things like this can increase bonding, especially when the ‘at home’ parent is the one responsible for the love AND the discipline ALL THE TIME. It’s fair for the child to be able to offload and discuss their feelings with another parent too, who may be able to offer comfort (or provide a united front on decisions the child may not agree with!).
A period of adjustment.
When a partner returns for an extended visit (or for good) it’s understandable that there will be a period of adjustment for everyone. The returning partner shouldn’t be expected to just ‘slot into’ the household routine you have created in their absence, as this is where tension, resentment and frustration can quickly occur and this can be hard on everyone in the family.
Equally, their expectations of the at home partner need to be addressed. If you have both been communicating openly about your hopes, concerns and worries while they have been away, the transition should be much easier for all of you.
What about the Holidays?
These five tips should make Christmas memorable for all the right reasons for couples in long distance relationships:
1. Send them several small gifts or notes through the post well before Christmas. These do not have to be expensive. Simple things like a bar of their favourite chocolate, an ornament or memento from home and a sweet message and if you have children, a cute photo, drawing or letter from them too. Include a self-addressed envelope inside so they can easily send a note back.
2. Organise when you will be able to contact each other and make sure to send reminders.
With so many things happening around the festive period disrupting normal routines, it’s easy to lose track of time! You can use this time to open gifts together, share details of your day and updated news and messages from other friends and family.
3. If you’re away from home, recruit friends or family to sneak in a last-minute gift to slip under the Christmas tree.
4. Expect your partner to be invited out to socialise – it is the biggest party time of the year after all. Encourage them to have an awesome time – they deserve it!
5. Tell your partner you love them and how much their support means to you. This goes a long, long way to coping when you’re not with each other, at any time of year.