The Holidays. It’s a time of year that promotes joy, harmony and togetherness. And often arguing, disagreement and falling out over how to actually achieve this!
As a couple, and especially a couple raising a family, Christmas and other end of year celebrations can be challenging. With all the preparations and discussions regarding presents, dinner, traditions, guests and get-togethers, it’s easy to lose touch with your own wishes to honour this special and sensitive time of year. And have you considered what your partner may want?
Discussion, finding areas of agreement and some forward planning can help you both achieve the celebration that’s right for your family.
Here’s 6 key areas you’d do well to discuss NOW in order to enjoy an (almost) stress-free, loving end of year:
Finances
Surprise! The holidays happen every year! But with all the other end of year busyness, the festive season tends to creep up on most of us - and the panic starts to set in right about now!
Managing end of year finances feeds into all of the other key areas below. Working on a budget, whether it’s for the whole period or whether you break it down into mini-budgets – food, drink, presents, socialising etc is up to you - but it’s a good idea to HAVE A BUDGET!
This is not just about managing your finances, but also about managing each other’s expectations and respecting any joint agreements.
Saving for this period always sounds ideal, but it doesn’t always work – those unexpected bills will still keep appearing. If you haven’t tried monthly saving so December isn’t such a money crunch, you might like to try it for next year. Even if you only save 50% of what you need, imagine how that pressure release would feel! And the January (or Can-you?-ary) bills will also be less of a heart-stopper.
If saving isn’t possible, planning your budget together (whether it’s a thrifty or lavish one) is a great team-building exercise – it gives you both the opportunity to communicate with each other, talk openly about your hopes and concerns, and gets you closer to an agreement about how much time and work you both want to take on and what you both want to spend.
This process of working together as a team can help prevent many potential tense moments throughout the festive period.
Presents
If you’re buying gifts for each other this year, it’s reasonable to discuss how much you’d like to spend. This would be based on your current circumstances as a couple - what’s right for one couple may be wrong for another, or what you could afford last year might not be best this one, so don’t fall into the trap of comparing yourselves to others – or to what advertisers might be promoting as the “right” gift for this year. Your family’s needs are more important. And most families need less stress.
Consider the longer-term implications. For example, if one of you has been working hard to reduce debt or save towards a mutual goal, and then the other purchases gifts on credit or by consuming a large percentage of your disposable income for that month, this could easily lead to confusion, frustration and resentment – that could last all year and beyond!
Equally, if you’re a high earner and like to lavish expensive gifts on your partner or others, it may be the case that they hope to match your generosity but are unable to, and this could lead to feelings of embarrassment or a sense of failure or inadequacy instead of the surprise and delight you’d hoped for. This open discussion should also be applied to buying gifts for your children, family and friends too.
Discussing your plans together, in advance, can help manage expectations and support you both in feeling good about yourselves and each other, that’s the real gift here.
Food and Drink
Who would have thought that a much looked-forward to event could bring about so many arguments about food?! It might be a time of over-indulgence when there’s plenty for all, yet what’s on the table is one of the most common things couples argue about during the Christmas period.
This can start from the moment you enter the supermarket and escalate as you travel down the aisles. How much does that cost?! Do we really need to buy all those chocolates?!! Why are you putting so much booze in the trolley? We will never eat all of this and it will go to waste!
Supermarkets are designed to sell you everything you want - and everything you don’t! Preparing a shopping list AND your budget together will help you keep on track. You can even make it a challenge – if you get everything and come in under budget, go and treat yourself with something to the value of the “extra” amount for being so awesome! Dinner maybe?
Alcohol perhaps should have a category all on its own. It’s not only the source of many arguments, but also can be the cause of many arguments too – from alcohol abuse through to inappropriate or even dangerous behaviour such as drink driving.
For some parents, being around a drunk and out of control partner can bring back terrible memories from childhood and ruin their own holiday experience, so it’s important to be sensitive to this, aware of any triggers and have an understanding about this beforehand. Seeking counselling now for the purpose of preparing for a situation like this means you can both be able to fully relax and enjoy yourselves on the day.
When it comes to drinking alcohol in a family environment it’s not only important to have a designated driver, but also a designated parent. When you’re both celebrating, knowing who has responsibility for the children, the driving etc is essential and ideally decided upon before the alcohol starts to flow. This is especially vital if you’re in the Southern Hemisphere and there may be backyard swimming pools and other hazards to be mindful of.
Each Other
The Christmas, Hanukkah and New Year period is often a time when partners have a break from work and spend more time together at home as a couple. As nice as that sounds, increased time together, where your daily routine is uprooted and you’re in each other’s space more than normal can actually be unsettling and lead to friction.
One way to manage this is to plan ways to both enjoy time-out as individuals and time together as a couple.
Spending time ‘doing your own thing’ could be something as simple as going to the gym, watching Netflix all afternoon in your pyjamas, taking a bath or even meeting up with friends - whatever you need to do to decompress from the year, give yourself some self-care and total down time. Having this time to yourself is more likely to increase the pleasure you have when you spend time with your partner/family as you’ll feel more personally sated.
It’s when our personal bucket is full of good stuff that we will have more to give away.
Your relationship as a separated couple with children/blended family
Families today are more diverse than ever. Your relationship with each other reflects that.
If you’re a separated family, whether through deployment, divorce or any other reason of separation, just as with any other time of the year, how you relate to each other is absorbed by your children and can be instrumental in their own future mental health and relationship building.
For separated families, planning holidays in advance has many considerations. Children prefer routine and need security. Knowing where they’re going to be spending their time, or if/when they’re going to be communicating with their absent parent is reassuring.
As co-parents, working together to manage your child’s expectation builds their trust with you. Regardless of whether you are a couple or not, to your child, you are both their parents – an unbreakable connection to who they are.
If an absent parent has been removed from a child’s life for safety reasons, the dynamic is completely different and should be handled in a way that’s healthiest for your adjusted family. You may need some guidance for this.
For blended families, juggling just got a LOT more interesting! And yet, families are families. Working together to ensure your children get time alone with you as well as together with their blended family is important.
Christmas can be a particularly fragile time for children but listening to and acknowledging how they’re feeling can build trust and strengthen bonds and encourage them to embrace and adjust to their new family in a supported way.
Visitors and Visiting
For some, Christmas and other special holidays is sacred family time and just for the family living in your home – A ‘no visitors, no visiting’ rule. For others, there’s an open door for anyone and everyone.
Circumstances can change as your relationship and family dynamic grows (for example you may have a new addition to your family or one of your parents may be facing their first Christmas alone). What was perfect for your family last year, may not be what one of you want this time around. This is particularly true when a new baby arrives. You may be pressured into ‘showing the baby off’ by visiting everyone, or inviting everyone over, when really what you and/or your partner really wants is to make your first Christmas a special and intimate private occasion.
Discussing this together, before the invites start flying around, means that neither of you will feel under pressure to agree to anything if you’re caught off guard. You’ll know you have the backing and support of your partner. And that’s a great gift at any time of year!
So, there you have it. Six things you can discuss as a couple for this upcoming Holiday Season.
Here’s hoping you have a stress-free, loving time together this year!