There’s times when all relationships are stressful and partners can feel like they’re ‘on the edge’. But this time of couples having to manage life in and out of lockdown is unique. How partners approach and treat each other during these more difficult times can be the difference between a relationship nose-diving, surviving or thriving.
What effect has the pandemic had on relationships?
The pandemic has without doubt had an impact on couples’ relationships, and for a variety of reasons:
Employment - many couples have faced a loss or reduction in income
Stress - adjusting to a new (even if temporary) new normal
Finances - adapting, prioritising and managing finances
Lifestyle - reducing social activities with or without your partner. Getting back to normal. Going into lockdown again.
Health - a change of routine can affects exercise, nutrition and general physical health habits
Mental health - any combination of the above can have a negative impact on mental wellbeing.
Parenting - children have been isolated during lockdown and may be suffering from the lack of social interaction that’s so important during their childhood. The adjustments parents have had to make with work, schooling, finances, lifestyle, health - and at the same time trying to provide a healthy, nurturing environment for their children - is challenging.
Pre-existing relationship issues - any period of crisis will test a relationship and yet many relationships are surviving and some are thriving despite COVID pressures. For those who are already struggling or in an unhealthy relationship however, COVID can exacerbate existing issues.
When the world’s out of control, what CAN you do?
The combination of all the above ingredients is putting couples in a pressure cooker. If we only had to deal with one or two factors, then it’s easier to manage them as a couple. However, trying to adapt to all of them at the same time can leave parents depleted and partners in conflict.
So, in a world of ever-changing restrictions what can we do?
Self care: Giving yourself permission and the mental and physical space and time to do things that “feed” you are vital to building resilience, staying afloat through the long haul that this is crisis is turning into - and being able to give to others.
For the same reasons, your partner needs to practice time out for self care too. None of us can keep giving from an empty cup, and if ever there’s ever a time when we need all the support we can get from our partner, it’s now. Finding a balance that meets both your needs and time to pursue your own pleasures pays off in lots of ways. Feeling satisfied, fulfilled and having your own additional interests and conversations to bring back to each other feeds you as individuals and your relationship too.
Using the extra time you may find yourself with now can be the perfect opportunity for each of you to finish a project or try a new hobby you’ve always intended to do, but haven’t had the time for. Even if you’re not able to physically do it due to restrictions, you can still enjoy putting time aside each week or day, researching and planning for it.
Communication: Communicating with your partner regularly is vital for maintaining your connection and also gives you both a chance to deepen it through understanding what your partner is going through. It’s also helpful when you both have a clear understanding of, and agreements around, new (or temporary) boundaries, adjustments and approaches, for example with schooling or social gatherings that may affect your family.
It can be more challenging communicating with our partner during times of stress - let alone crisis - but it’s worth putting in the extra effort during these times because this builds trust that pays off now and well into the future.
If you’re not able to talk about things, it’s worth examining why. What’s making it difficult? Do either of you name-call or dredge up the past? Do either of you skirt around the truth or deflect blame? Do you fight every suggestion made, without considering compromise? Being able to identify where you get tripped up and working to overcome it can have a huge impact on not only the times you disagree, but also on the times you negotiate or discuss other matters which can prevent those bigger flair ups even happening.
If you normally struggle to communicate and this is an ongoing issue, enrolling in a relationship workshop or finding a relationship coach or counsellor can really help.
Being a team: One idea when things are tense is to go and work on a project outdoors. Whether it’s washing and cleaning the car, household maintenance, cleaning, repairing or a DIY project, do it together. This can show you how good you can work together as a team, and at the same time give you the opportunity to talk through any disagreements. You can come back feeling heard, invigorated and have also achieved something physical and together at the same time. You may not have resolved the issue by the time you’ve finished (you may even have walls you don’t actually need in your garden!), but often just opening the channel of communication in a healthy way while doing something positive at the same time can be enough to reduce stress and anxiety and make the actual topic of conversation a non-issue.
If a disagreement dissolves into your default coping strategies, it’s beneficial for you both to take responsibility for this and take the time to reflect on what happened. Try to identify when things started to ‘go wrong’. If you or your partner can pinpoint where the conversation turned into an argument, or where one of you may have become defensive, you have an opportunity to acknowledge this, understand it, apologise for any hurt and use it as a turning point. New understandings of yourself or your partner can be a springboard for change and offer both of you, and your relationship, a chance to grow.
The benefits of COVID on relationships
Surprising as it might sound, COVID is providing couples and families with an almost unique situation. For some it’s a form of what they have been dreaming of and is on many family wish lists: more time as a couple, more time as a family, less distractions, getting back to basics.
Using this unique time to gently adjust to your new circumstances and discover or rediscover new things about yourself and each other can be eye-opening. Especially if you’ve been in your relationship for a number of years, the hopes, dreams and aspirations of your partner may have changed during that time. Their desire to backpack around Thailand in their 20’s, may have morphed into wanting to learn how to freedive with whales in Norway. With busy lives getting in the way you may not have been able to talk your changing wish lists through. Who knows, you may have even more in common now.
For more ways to nurture your partnership and family through tough times see Becoming Us, The Couple’s Guide to Parenthood.