There’s few times in life when we’re pushed way outside our normal comfort zone and this can impact our ability to cope - especially if it’s for months on end. Self care is important for all of us during times of prolonged stress, but it’s even more crucial for parents. Parenthood involves giving out all day, every day and taking responsibility for the welfare of one or more little people who depend on us to be OK. To keep doing this it’s vital to nurture ourselves, reach out for help and support our partner (and other parents) to do the same.
The Family Stress Cycle
When a crisis or series of smaller stresses go on for a long time without enough opportunities for periods of rest or normal life in between, living with stress can become a lifestyle. This can have long term consequences for all aspects of our lives: family, work, wider relationships and especially for our health.
Stress also has a ripple effect, so when one or both parents are stressed, children are likely to be too. When couples are under pressure, they’re more likely to disagree or argue or have periods of stony silence. Babies and children can pick up on the tension between parents, this can cause them anxiety and they’re more likely to be fussy, throw a tantrum or act out - which stresses their parents. Can you see where this is going? Round and round in circles…
The bad news is stress can affect the whole family. The good news is it only takes one person to break the Family Stress Cycle. It could start now, with you.
Four Steps to Breaking the Stress Cycle:
Become aware that you’re stressed. Someone close to you may recognise this before you do - so resist being defensive and be open to listening to them.
Become aware of your stress reactions and how they may be causing more stress. For example, if you’re stressed at work, you may bring that home and be irritated with your partner or kids, causing stress at home now too.
Recognise and reduce stresses where you can. If relationship issues with a partner are causing stress, get help for this. Likewise with work related issues. There’s help out there for just about anything!
Increase self-care, couple-care and family-care activities.
Self Care
We are physical, mental, emotional and spiritual beings. Nurturing all these aspects of us is great self-care. When we pay attention to or rely on strategies in only one area (.physical exercise is one example), we may get an injury and this is likely to affect our ability to cope. Having multiple go-to’s to care for different aspects of ourselves fills our cups and creates reserves to cope for longer when times are especially tough.
Physical fitness is one thing, but mental, emotional and spiritual fitness is important too!
Here’s an exercise for you:
Draw a large circle on a sheet of paper and divide it up into four quarters. Name the quarters PHYSICAL, MENTAL, EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL.
Think of at least three things that you do already or that you might like to try and list them in each quarter.
Add to your list whenever inspiration strikes! Below are some examples for each area.
Physical
Exercise - a daily walk with your partner and baby is perfect!
Eat well - poor nutrition undermines coping
Yoga or stretches
Kick a ball around the yard
Work in the garden
Go for a bike ride
Mental
Research something you’re interested in
Talk about an issue or problem. Brainstorm solutions
Come up with a plan of action and set goals
Read something light or funny
Do crosswords or puzzles
Plan your next vacation
Learn a language or new skill
Emotional
Call your best friend
Share your feelings with your partner
Give yourself permission to cry - it relieves tension!
Watch a comedy and laugh till your belly hurts
Get a big hug
Pick up something you enjoyed doing as a kid
Treat yourself to something nice
Spiritual
Spend time in nature
Meditate or pray
Journal to find meaning and connect to your deeper self
Create a collection of meaningful objects
Do a craft or hobby that reminds you of someone you love
Commit to doing great self-care for a couple of weeks and see the differience it can make for yourself. If you’re still struggling however, you’ll know it’s time to reach out for extra help and support.
Couple Care
Is it possible that the way you try to relieve your stress could cause more stress for your partner? This can feed the family stress cycle. If whole days golfing is normally your thing, but your partner is stuck at home with the baby, maybe do 9 holes instead. If playing loud music does it for you, but your partner likes to meditate, invest in some earphones. If retail therapy is your go-to, but turns your partner’s hair grey, scale it back. Find healthier ways of relieving stress (the above exercise is a great start!) and you’ll rely less on potentially damaging ways.
Support your partner to relieve their stress and fill their own self-care cups. Invite them to do the exercise above. Be willing to reach out for professional help for yourself and/or your partner if you have concerns - that’s what the professionals are there for!
Date night can be too hard. Parents are often tired at night, money may be tight and the logistics of childcare can make it more stressful than it’s worth. Staying connected in multiple, small ways on a daily basis benefits a relationship more than a once-a-week-thing anyway.
Check in with your partner regularly to see how they’re coping. Little things to show you care can make a big difference. Send a text, leave a note, make eye contact and smile more, hug a little longer.
Family Care
If your attempts at stress relief are stressing your partner out as we’ve touched on above, your kids are likely to feel this too. Conflict with a partner has a similar negative effect on children, so finding ways to support each other and work together through any issues is key. Your whole family will be sighing with relief when you do.
Be aware that children’s behaviour can change when they’re stressed. Do some research so you know what behaviours to look for in your child’s age range and what you can do. Rather than focusing on the negative behaviour, focus on what your child needs from you instead. Often it’s a reasonable expectation, an understanding ear and a reassuring hug.
Spend one on one time with each of your children and you’ll find your bond with them becomes deeper. Give your partner opportunities to do the same. You may find you develop new interests this way that can contribute to both your self-care and to your child’s too. Having a stronger bond with children has the huge (HUGE!) added benefit of reducing any negative attention seeking behaviour from them.
The current crisis is particularly challenging for elderly relatives, so check in and see how yours are doing on a regular basis. Maybe plan for an extended family vacation when you can so everyone has something to look forward to!
Get good at self-care, couple-care and family-care and you might just find that despite the current crisis, you’re able to cope well with it. This can have a lifetime of payoffs for all of you!