Your relationship with your partner is unique, so it makes sense that how you relate to each other would be unique, too. Your partner knows you intimately and has the power to both hold you up or pull you down like no one else. Their attitude towards you can make you wilt or bloom, their words can harm or heal. You have the same power with your partner too.

For these reasons and more, the effort and care you put into communicating with each other is even more important than the actual outcome of the conversation. You want your relationship to be more important than any issue that might come between you. Your baby or child will want the same thing.

Here’s some guidelines for having intimate conversations that bring you and your partner closer instead of sending you further apart.

Choose the timing. When you’re exhausted, sleep-deprived or hungry, it’s easy to become impatient and snappy. Leave important issues for a time when you’re both reasonably rested.

Plan ahead. Let your partner know you have an issue you’d like to discuss. Arrange a time you know will be relatively uninterrupted and long enough (e.g., not when there’s something coming up on TV, your cousin’s coming over or the baby’s about to wake).

Set a rough time limit. Maybe 10 minutes for a minor issue or 40 for a major one. Stick to it (unless you both agree to continue). An agreed-upon time limit can reduce anxiety. Many people can only concentrate for about 40 minutes before they need a break. If this isn’t enough time to finish the conversation for now, take a break before you continue.

Start gently. Relationship expert, John Gottman, PhD, predicts that the way you open up a topic for discussion determines how the conversation will progress 96% of the time. Discussions that start harshly can escalate quickly and are more likely to end badly.

Watch your tone. If you feel anxious or uncomfortable, this is likely to come across in your voice. Your partner is likely to notice this and a slight inflection can trigger warning bells. Manage this by being honest about your struggles: “I find this difficult to talk about, so if it comes out the wrong way, let me know and I’ll try again.”

Use endearments. Words like “honey,” “sweetheart” and “darling,” are love language in action and can soften communication—if they’re delivered with an equally loving tone of voice and not through gritted teeth!

Use affectionate gestures to reassure. Reach out to your partner as you make a statement that says “I want to connect with you.” Give them a smile that says “I care about how you’re hearing this.”

State your intention. Why are you raising the issue? For what purpose? To gain understanding? To negotiate an outcome? To get an apology and heal try to heal the hurt? Stating this at the outset prepares your partner to see where you’re going. For example, “I’m confused about what you said yesterday, can we clear it up?” Or, “I’d like to talk about going away at the end of the year, can we talk after dinner?”

Stay on track and help your partner to stay on track. It’s more likely to escalate if other issues, past hurts, or what your mother-in-law did four years ago are all brought up. Stay focused on what you want to resolve. One point at a time.

Stay specific. The words “always” or “never” are triggers that are likely to make your partner tune out or become defensive. Stick to specific incidences rather than overgeneralised comments.

Slow down. Rapid-fire talk can feel like an attack.

Be open to self-discovery. You might find the issue starts to shift mid-discussion. Often new hurts cover up older, similar ones. Let your partner know what’s happening inside you so they be a part of your processing: “I’ve just realised this is linked to something else—just give me a minute...” This way you both can get to the bottom of what’s really going on and create trust and intimacy as you’re getting there.

Here’s four steps for having intimate couple conversations:

Step One: Create a safe space. Let your partner know you want to have an intimate conversation where you can both practice your skills and may make mis-steps. That’s OK. Use the guidelines above and go gently with each other.

Step Two: Go inside. Relationships blossom and thrive when partners can confide their innermost thoughts, feelings and needs with each other. But first, YOU need to be aware of what they are. Take the time to check in with yourself and get in touch with what’s going on inside you. Pay attention to your inner struggle, your discomfort, your mixed feelings and your needs so that you can start to identify them.

The deepest feelings are likely to cause you the most unease. They require you to be real and vulnerable and have a deeper relationship with yourself—and then with your partner. And yet vulnerability creates intimacy, because it invites your partner to be real and vulnerable with you in return.

Step Three: Find the words. Speak your truth to yourself first. Try the words on for size. Wonder how your partner might hear them. Then find the words to express yourself assertively. Being assertive means honouring yourself and your needs at the same time as respecting your partner and theirs. Assertiveness means you see you and your partner as equals and that you prioritise the ongoing relationship between you over any one issue.

Step Four: Reveal yourself by using “I” language. Starting a conversation with the word “you,” is an invitation for conflict. “You” is likely to put the other person on the defensive. Before even another word has been uttered (often it’s “never”, “have to”, ”don’t”, “won’t”, “should” or “always” which are absolutes , criticisms or judgements) the listener can start to automatically react with the fight/flight/freeze response and either switch off or retaliate. “You” statements also imply that you know your partner better than they do themselves. This is insulting.

“I” language bypasses this automatic response fight/flight response and allows your partner to remain open to what you want to say. “I” language reveals you, it says, “This is who I am.” It brings your partner in and brings the two of you closer, instead of sending you further apart.

People can only absorb the amount of information in four short-ish sentences before they start to lose concentration. For tired parents, it’s likely to be less than that, so to make intimate communication as simple and easy as possible, it might be helpful to use something like the following formula:

1.      I feel/I felt [insert the emotion you are aware of] ___________

2.      when [describe the specific situation in objective terms] ________________
 e.g., instead of “you always leave the garbage out,” it would be “when I saw the garbage can in the street.”

3.      because [describe a reason, how you interpreted it or what is happening for you] _____________

4.      and I would really like/prefer [make a request, state a hope or describe a
motivation] __________.

Some examples:

Instead of, “You’re hopeless! You never bring in the washing. You say things but you don’t follow them up.” try:

“I’m bummed (feeling) because I can see the washing is still on the line (the situation), and I don’t have much energy right now to get it in before it rains (a reason). Could do it please (a request)?”

Or instead of, “You shouldn’t have sent Grace to her room yesterday. You don’t know how to discipline properly. If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all.” try:

“I thought we agreed about how to handle Grace (the situation). When you sent her to her room, I thought you did it deliberately to annoy me (how I interpreted it) and I felt confused (a feeling) why you’d do that. I’d like to clear that up before the next time, so we can be a united front for Grace (the hope).”

While you don’t need to include all four components in every conversation every time, this way of relating to each other can help to avoid misunderstandings, improve your chances for being heard, and get your personal and relationship needs met. “I” language can feel awkward at first, but it’s really just sharing the important conversations you have with yourself with your partner too in an honest, healthy and helpful way.

With enough practice, you’ll both get more comfortable with this style of intimate communication. You’ll get to know your self better and your partner too. You’re also likely to find that because you’re able to clear things up as you go, you’ll reduce unnecessary conflicts going forward - and there’s multiple benefits for you, your relationship and your whole family from this.

For more on intimate communication see Becoming Us, The Couple’s Guide to Parenthood.