Even with all the preparation and support you get leading up to your baby’s birth, and even if everything goes right according to your birth team, it can, on some occasions, feel very, very wrong. A traumatic birth, for either parent, is intense, and distressing and can lead to other problems down the track.  But the good news is with a bit of forward planning there are things parents and professionals can do to minimize some of the risks. There’s also support for you and your partner if your birth experience ends up being traumatic for any reason.

Trauma can occur at any time when you feel completely powerless against an overwhelming force. In birth, it can happen with protracted labour, complicated delivery, emergency cesarean birth or if your baby becomes distressed for some reason. Both mothers and fathers or partners can experience birth trauma, even if the other parent isn’t negatively impacted by the birth. With the current global virus crisis and restrictions on birth attendants, the potential for trauma is greater.

Birth trauma is more likely to occur when events are completely unexpected and become increasingly overwhelming, especially if it gets to the point of threatening the wellbeing of either mum or baby.

Unresolved birth trauma can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and also increase the risk of Perinatal Mental Health issues in both parents, so it’s important to identify trauma and seek help as early as possible.

To reduce the risks for birth trauma, choose a birth environment and caregivers who provide honest and realistic information about birth and what to expect in the first few weeks afterwards, who give plenty of emotional support and choices along the way.

Women and partners who feel empowered, respected and in control of the labour and birth process - or at least an active part in it - are less likely to become traumatized. Parents who are ignored by caregivers or treated in a patronizing, dismissive or disrespectful manner are more at risk.

If you’ve suffered a traumatic birth experience, expect to feel ‘not normal’ for a while. You’ll be recovering from psychological injuries, as well as any physical ones you have experienced or seen. You may find you have a need to talk about the birth repeatedly, and this can help to reduce the shock. But you may also find that you want to talk but your partner isn’t ready, or vice versa. Don’t force it, but find an alternative good listener instead. Both you and your partner can benefit from talking the birth experience through with an experienced, trusted professional afterwards, at first separately and maybe later, together.

Be gentle on yourself and on each other. Don’t judge yourself or your partner, tell yourselves you could have done things differently or to just “get over it” or “put it out of your mind”. Trauma doesn’t work that way. Trying to forget it is more likely to delay the processing, healing and moving on - so reach out for support instead.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a set of symptoms that commonly occur following a traumatic birth and can affect both mothers and fathers or partners. Symptoms include insomnia, panic attacks, being on edge all the time, flashbacks or nightmares, irritability or spats of anger, feeling detached from the baby and others, numb or empty, or feeling like something bad can happen at any moment.

It’s not uncommon for traumatized parents to feel like they’re “going crazy” - and this is especially true if those around them don’t recognise the trauma for what it is and are solely focused on celebrating the baby’s birth instead.

Some parents describe a traumatic birth as like having a bad car accident on the way to their wedding.

If friends refuse to listen to any “negatives” about the birth or professionals gloss over any emotional distress due to a lack of understanding of birth trauma, this is likely to increase a sense of isolation and helplessness and can exacerbate things.

Thankfully, help is available.

Sensitive debriefing for both parents after the event can minimize the ongoing effects of trauma and help prevent PTSD. This may be possible via video conferencing. Talk to a GP or counselor who can recommend treatment options, most of which are quite simple and only take a few weeks or months to complete. Working with a psychologist who uses EMDR trauma treatment may only mean a few sessions. Connecting with supportive, compassionate and understanding people, locally or online is a great source of ongoing support.

Birth trauma can affect dads or partners in a unique way too. Sometimes partners can feel like they’ve “failed” to protect their loved one at her most vulnerable - and can feel guilty or ashamed about this. If you’re a dad or partner in this position, it might help you to know that when things get out of hand very quickly, going into shock is the normal response. When we’re in shock we’re likely to freeze or shut down, our brains don’t work properly and so our normal reactions go out the window - even sometimes for people who are used to these conditions, so don’t beat yourself up for this.

Being able to talk about things eventually is important for healing, even if you need help to do it.

The good news in all of this is if you and your partner can eventually talk together and hear what the birth experience was like for each other, it can give you deeper insight and understanding, pull you closer as a couple and provide mutual opportunities for much-needed comfort and support going forward. There are likely to be tough times in any family’s future, so this could be the beginning of you knowing how to pull together through them.

Couples can form a deeper, stronger bond for getting through something like this. If you’d like more guidance, you might like to check out Becoming Us.

And for more information on birth trauma see the Australasian Birth Trauma Association website.